Sorrow and solitude..

It’s been awhile… Sense I’ve started getting help.. What I’ve noticed is that I have these periods of time. Where I become a emotional manic time bomb stuck on zero. I have these episodes.. I know when they’re coming.. It starts with that tightening in my chest, followed by a heaviness.. I panic.. Every emotion I feel is intensified and it’s almost impossible for me to stop it, and everyone will stand witness to a meltdown. It’s slow, but like a poison it kills slowly. Suffocates everyone around me as I latch onto them. Then they drop like flies, walking out of my life one by one like I’m a lost cause… Maybe I am.. Makes sense.. I will get better and better and be almost at 100% like I used to be and then something happens and I shut down… People I know become people I knew… Good times become painful memories.. It’s so overwhelming so heart wrenching to have the things you cherish fall apart around you. And you can only stand and watch.. I shut off.. All the lights go out and I go numb.. It effects my everyday life, my relationships.. Cause I suddenly lose my ability to feel any sort of emotion. The feeling is like a cold winter breeze through a broken window of an abandoned house. Hollow… I can’t self mutilate anymore, and it’s been the hardest thing because unlike so many others.. I can’t stop once I start… I crave it like a drug. It’s an addiction. Something in my head is so fucked that I like it. Judge me.. I don’t care. Sometimes when your so broken that pain on the outside reminds you that your alive. I’m not suicidal. I’m not mentally insane.. Im just Matthew… I’m an old car with a shit ton of mileage and a fading rusted paint job.. My days aren’t always dark and gloomy… Sometimes the people I love brighten up my day.. Or I feel warm and happy.. But tonight. At this moment.. I lay here thinking.. And that feeling in my chest started.. And I’m in a form of panic I guess. But I’m not shaking. So I think I’ll just read a book till I fall asleep…